The New Normal, My New Normal

It has been a long time since my last entry. Part of it is that life is busy and I’m participating a great deal more in it. Most of it is just because I’m still so damn sad.

I know I’ll be sad forever, I get that. I know that my heart is broken but the pain doesn’t dissipate. It gets worse and it gets different. I miss him so much, I miss him so, so, so much. Miss doesn’t seem to be a strong enough word. I ache for him and I still cannot believe he is gone. It truly is excruciating.

I know I’m supposed to get on with my life, move on, have fun, smile. And I do smile and have fun but always, always, always missing him is in the forefront of everything I feel. The ache that will never go away, never dull, never change. I still think it could be, would be, so much easier if I was with him. Not that I mean that really but life is so hard. It is so hard every day.

I love him.

I remember the day very clearly. I was sitting in my Corporate Finance class in Business School and we were all mesmerized as we watched the market dive, dive, dive. Little did I know then that my future husband was travelling for business and an absolute mess. We met 2 years later and I remember his telling me about his feelings that day. I thought it a bit odd that he was still exhibiting this emotion over something that was recovering and he was in for the long run. Ha, that should have been an eye-opener for me. When it came to money, my husband was irrational. He was funny, warm, loving, smart, charismatic, handsome, athletic, on paper the perfect man but money was his downfall. It wasn’t that he loved to spend it, he loved to save it. I don’t know how much would have been enough for him. He drove the kids and me crazy sometimes with his money obsession. He hated when I went to the mall or did any kind of shopping. We only have 1 credit card, pay it off every month. The day that bill arrived was always very tense in our home. The night he died I lay in bed awake terrified that we had no money, afterall, that was what he always told me. Liar. I never paid attention to what we had, he took care of it and I didn’t care. I worked full time and earned the same salary as he did. I knew we were earning a good salary but I also knew our expenses were very high. The day after he died my lawyer showed up at my front door and said “point me to his office.” So I did. And my lawyer spent hours making phone calls and going through paper work. He sat me down later that evening and told me I would be fine. That he had provided well and I never had to work again if I didn’t want to. I cried and cried because while I knew my husband worried about money, I got it. He worried because he wanted to make sure we would be ok if he ever left us. He was a worrier and God Bless Him, he loved us. And he has provided well for us, I don’t have to sell the house or cut back. I know many widows have financial issues and I’m lucky not to. But I would give up every last penny for 1 more day with him. To tell him how much we love him and how we miss him so. To tell him he was an amazing husband and the world’s greatest dad. In the end money doesn’t bring happiness, it just makes life easier when you have it.

Every day there are constant reminders of him and how I miss him. Today’s reminder is somewhat bittersweet because what I didn’t understand when he talked about October 19, 1987 was even back then he was planning, planning on taking care of the family he didn’t have yet just in case something happened to him.

I hope wherever he is that he knows he did take care of us and still does. In every way, not just financially but most importantly emotionally.

Amie

He doesn’t like me that way. He told me today and it made me feel bad. He felt badly telling me, he wasn’t sure if I wanted a romantic relationship rather than a friendship. So he emailed me and told me “hey, if this is what you are hoping for, ain’t going to happen.” My first rejection. I hate being single again, I want my husband back. He loved ME, ME, ME.

So my “crushed” wants us to be friends and he wants to hang out with the kids and me. So what do I do? What do I do? Maybe starting as friends might work into something, I did say yesterday I wasn’t sure if I wanted to wreck the friendship. So, did I mean that? I really value him as a friend and I know I will meet someone else, eventually. I probably was rushing things because I don’t want to be alone. I loved being married, I loved it. I think I’m rushing things, I need more time. I have to try the friend thing with him and maybe he’s right, it is best.

I hope this is all normal because it is my new normal.

Amie

So I think I have mentioned about my crush. We met in an unusual way, he did some professional work for me. When he delivered the product we talked and talked and talked. He has had quite a bit of loss in his life and he opened up to me about it. Now we have been emailing quite a bit. I think I made a move today. He has been very busy with his work, so I left him a message offering to help him out with simple errands he may have to do. Anyway, I am hoping to hear from him. I have no kids on Friday evening and I invited him over for a drink. We’ll see, he’ll probably say no. I don’t get it, I haven’t dated in 20 years, I don’t even know what to do. But I asked. I don’t know why I’m so in like with him. My therapist says it is perfectly normal but if this is a good guy, do I want it to be a rebound? Is it a rebound? I miss my husband, yes, but I hadn’t thought of dating at all, hadn’t thought about meeting someone. I just met him and there was a spark. I can’t explain it, but there was. So do I delay the dating because it’s only been 8 months? I don’t want to lose a good friend who might turn into something more later. I guess I should be thankful that I have this dilemma.

I don’t know if he likes me. That is sort of a problem. I recently told him about someone I went on a couple of dates with a month or so ago. I did it just to see if I could and it really didn’t go anywhere. Well I hadn’t told “crush” yet about the dates because I didn’t want him to think poorly of me. Anyway, when he emailed me back about it, he referred the “date” as the “other guy.” And that got my hopes up. Geez, how pathetic am I? I’m reading between the lines yes, but now I put it out there. I invited him over and beyond that I don’t want to make a pest or fool of myself. So if he says no then I am going to tell him I am finished asking and if it’s ever going to happen it is up to him to do the asking.

Geez. I am pathetic…..

Amie

I have 3 children, teen boy is 13 1/2, Goosie is 11 and Abadoo is 8. Since my husband died my son has withdrawn from us. I don’t know if it’s because he is 13 or if it’s because he lost his dad. Maybe it’s a bit of both. We’ve been in therapy and I try to talk to him but he always tells me he is “ok mom.”

Well last night was like old times and I loved every moment of it. Teen boy stayed in the family room with me and the girls and we laughed and joked like old times. Even though it lasted for only a little bit it was priceless to me! I think he even gave me a hug and kiss before he went to bed.

Sunday I was driving in the car with him and I posed the question from above to him. I told him I noticed that he didn’t speak to me as much as he used to. I asked him if I had done something, or if it was because he lost daddy or because he’s 13. He laughed and said “I just don’t have anything to say!” And what could I say then? I told him that I loved him and he could tell me anything, anything and it would never change the way I feel about him.

I know this journey is one step at a time. I guess a part of me wants to be on the other side of it. I miss my husband so much but I need to make sure, I need to know that my kids are ok. I know I will be ok, that I can do this because, quite honestly, I don’t have any choice. I owe it to my husband as our children were his life. And I know that he lives on in them so he is still with me.

Life is never easy but this pain seems greater than anyone should ever feel.

Amie

I had a good weekend, I had fun. I think I am surprised by that. I think part of it was I was a bit selfish and thought about myself.

Friday I went out with 2 friends and we laughed, drank wine and had dinner. Saturday I had some of my in-laws visiting and we had a nice dinner and evening. Sunday I went to a friend’s house for dinner and to watch football.

I wonder what this means? I wonder why I wonder what it means. I don’t know, does that make sense? Why do I have to wonder if I am moving on a bit? Do I feel guilty? I know my husband would have wanted me to move on and keep living, all the while making sure the children are well taken care of which they are. I also still have my crush. I don’t think he likes me (his loss) but he knows now that I have this crush on him. Fortunately he is going away on business for a few weeks so it gives me time to figure myself out a bit more. Still I think my having a crush means I also have hope. I know my husband isn’t going to walk in that door. I have accepted that. And while I miss him incredibly it does not mean I have to give up hope. Being widowed at 42 is far too young and hope, hope is ok right now.

AM

It all used to be so easy, so routine. I didn’t realize it, I didn’t know what I had, I took it for granted, took everything for granted. I never paid attention to the little things in the world, I just ran around doing what I did. And now, in a second, that is gone. My husband went off to his yearly check up, then called me that he was going to the gym and then I get a phonecall that he had a heart attack. He was dead when I got to the hospital. I never got to say goodbye, I never got my last kiss, my last hug. I never got to tell him how much I loved and respected him and what a wonderful husband, father, person he was.

I’ll never be the same. My children will never be the same. I will worry every moment someone I love goes out anywhere. I’m scarred for life.

Getting up and out and doing the day by day things, I just don’t want to. I sleep alot in the afternoon just because sleep makes it all go away. I know I’ve been depressed but I’m also sad, lonely, grief stricken and scared. It’s not fair, I hate to say it over and over again but why, why me? When am I going to stop saying that, feeling that? When will I be able to handle day to day? When will routine be routine? When will I notice the little things around me, when will I appreciate the little things? All I notice, all I appreciate is my pain. And I don’t understand how to go on from that.

Amie

A Long Weekend

It was a nice long weekend for the kids and me. We went down to our beach house and just slugged around. It’s great because during the week there is so much running around and little time for the 4 of us to be together. I know my 13 year old would rather be home socializing but we need this. I know I need to build our new family unit. With a 13 year old with raging hormones it is not easy.

I missed him alot this weekend. Just wishing he could be there with us. Of course if he were still here I wouldn’t have had to buy this escape. I wouldn’t need to runaway as fast as I can from this life I had been so happy in all these years. It still hurts, how can it have happened to us and why? His birthday is coming up this month. I know I should go to the cemetery but I have only been there once and it was so painful, every bit of my body hurt. The kids don’t ask about going, they don’t ask much actually.

He was such a great person. Really. Perhaps one of the best people I had ever met. He was honest to a fault and unbelievably moral. He was always keeping me in check when I started getting bitchy. He was kind to everyone. The only time he lost his temper or was angered was when someone hurt one of his children or me. He was a member of the local media so he was recognized whenever we were out. He didn’t really like it because it sometimes bothered the kids but he was always so gracious and kind. Since he was involved in sports there were all those sports fans with questions, endless questions. Most of the questions required a crystal ball which of course he didn’t have. But he still smiled at them and tried to answer their question as best he could.

He had a great deal of money but you would never know it. He was so unpretentious, never felt better or more important than anyone else. He was a smart man and that was where he was a bit of a snob. He hated stupid people and wouldn’t give them the time of day. Our biggest splurge was our home and he wouldn’t have anyone from work here. He didn’t want them to know what he had. He was brilliant at investing and that was his passion. He worked hard at it and really was successful. But he was a worrier and wanted to make sure the children and I were taken care of. He never cared what anyone did, whether they were a CEO or our cleaning people. He treated them all the same and probably felt closer to our cleaning people. That is who he was. A good, good man. Raised by a great mom but unfortunate to have the worst of the worse when it comes to a father. Still he was such a wonderful father and loved, worshipped and protected his children. He never lied to them and never sugar coated things. His wisdom and his morality were hopefully with them long enough to instill the same in them.

And I loved him, so, so much. And I miss him even more. And it still is so unfair.

Amie

When I first met my husband he told me his parents were wacky and his father a jerk. Over the time I knew his parents I realized he was right. Except his father is actually an a-hole. We have had more drama than I can count with them. His mother (who I loved dearly) died 2 years ago. She was a nervous person and could be a real bitch at times. She was brutally honest and afraid to leave her home. She was a wonderful mother who raised a terrific son. All the goodness in my husband (and he was all goodness) came from her. Fortunately for my husband his father spent alot of time at work.

My father in law made alot of money in his business. He was always happy to remind us of this. He made both his children (hubby has a sister, she is a whole other nutcase) partners in the business and over time he paid them their share. It was alot of money and my husband invested it well. He left me very well off with his estate and my children as well. Unfortunately he died before his cruel, vicious, sick father did.

Since the day my husband died my father in law (aka Dick) has tormented me about my husband’s estate and selling our home. Dick has always hated that we built the home we live in and that my husband used his money to invest in the stock market and do very well. Dick has to be better at everything than anyone else is and how could his son (who he treated like shit and never showed any love) be so great at investing. Basically my husband spent his entire life trying to gain approval from his father. Unfortunately he never got it. It breaks my heart how cruel Dick was to my husband.

Well Dick has a new punching bag and you are looking at her. I do not want to sell my home and I won’t. Dick from the day I lost my beloved has tried to regain control of our money. In his mind, it was his and now is his chance to get control of it. Unfortunately for him, he is going up against me. And I will damned if I will sell any of my husband’s investments because Dick is a pathetic old man who likes to bully people. And he has bullied me, weekly, since I lost my husband. Here I am in a deep depression, heart broken at the sudden loss of my husband, his son, and all he can think about is money and getting it where he wants.

Since my husband died I have told Dick that I do not expect a penny from him for me but I do expect him to give my 3 children what would have been my husband’s fair share. I think he is planning on that but I am about to tell him to shove his money up his big, fat ass. Today he called me screaming at me that I have to transfer all of my kids’ inheritance to his Brokerage and a bond fund that he has his money in. He basically is blackmailing me to either do it or, and these are his exact words, “I will pay for it dearly, financially.” In other words he will cut my kids out of his will.

During our conversation I stuck up for myself (which he hates) and started crying (which he loves, he loves to make me cry). I told him to do what he thinks is best but I’m not willing to move the investments. Probate won’t be complete until March because of complications with the will.

I called my lawyer and he is telling me I could tell Dick to stick it up his big fat ass and never, ever, contact me or my children again. I can raise my children without his money because my husband provided and left us well off. Or I can transfer the money he wants (he says he will put the same amount in and that I would have complete control of it but he changes his mind every day and is so senile he can’t remember half the time what he said).

God how I want to tell him to go to hell. I’ve told him before that I was raised Catholic and I believe in hell. He is Jewish so he has different beliefs. I told him that he was going to hell and that I hope he suffers there for eternity. I also told him that he should be buried with all his goddamn money.

I think aside from leaving his children and me at such a young age my dear husband’s greatest horror, nightmare, is that he left me to deal with his father. That now I must endure the mental abuse of this pitiful old man. And for that I cry, because I know my beloved husband is sobbing now too.

I can’t believe it is October and he has been gone 7 months. I still hear his voice calling me and waiting for him to come through the door. The pain is less but still so severe. The part I cannot stand is when it just comes out of nowhere and I cry. I do cry, I cry all the time. I just wish this didn’t have to happen and that I could have him back. When I see other couples or families, I wonder, why us? Why couldn’t it have been them???

This past weekend my kids and I spent the weekend with my family at my new place at the beach. It was so relaxing and fun. My escape from this world I have to endure each day. I slept there like I cannot here. And I fall asleep instantly. At home I take prescription sleeping pills and it still takes me 2 hours to fall asleep.

I think my kids are in the midst of the anger stage of grieving. It is so hard listening to them fighting with one another. My husband always hated when they fought and now they can’t spend any time together without fighting, even physically at times.

So my crush and I email a bit. His are always short and sweet. He has no idea that I have a crush on him and he probably doesn’t like me since he doesn’t even go there. And how can I have a crush already??? My therapist tells me it’s normal but it is so scary. I don’t really want him to touch me, well maybe, but I do want to kiss him and I could really use a hug. There is something very sexy about him, it’s the eyes, I’m a fool for sexy eyes. I just wish I could fast forward 10 years and see where my life is. And that we are all ok.

 AM