The New Normal, My New Normal

Well, I have a crush on someone. What the heck is that about??? I can’t wait to see my therapist on Monday so I can ask her how is that possible???? And it is a crush….it started a couple of nights ago. The photog from Teen Boy’s bar mitzvah came over to drop off the photos. We talked for an hour or so and he left and now I have a crush. When I first met him (after my husband died) I felt a spark but that was it. Then when I saw him a few more times I talked to him quite a bit but he is very personable and easy to talk to. But after Thurs, oh no. He lost someone he loved too although he didn’t tell me much about it. I don’t know if he has a girlfriend and I didn’t ask but what the heck does this mean???????

I am worried about myself because I seem to be losing my mind right now. A crush?????

 Amie

So tonight was the first of 3 Back to School Nights I have to go to. It was torture. I rode with friends and quickly made my way up to Goosie’s class. My son Teen Boy had the same teachers 2 years ago. Just being in the same classroom and remembering how fond my husband was of these teachers, I started crying. It was so embarrassing to be sitting there crying but I couldn’t stop. I turned my head and since I was in the front row I don’t think anyone noticed but dammit these things that used to be so routine, they are now insufferable. I kept thinking how much he would have loved to have been there, how much he loved being at and participating in everything the kids do. Damn it. It is so not fair.

One thing about the problem I had with this “so-called” friend is that it brought front and center a great pain for me. I no longer have a partner in my parenting. I had to go through watching my daughter suffer and trying to help her all alone. And that sucks so, so bad. I am alone, I don’t have his wisdom, his sense of humor, his strength to get through these types of things. And that is so painful and so unfair. Why did this happen to me? Why don’t I have my partner, my love with me anymore??? And how am I ever going to raise these 3 children alone???

Next week another Back to School night and then 1 more in October. The normal every day activities, I am all alone and that really sucks.

So I saw that mean mom Saturday and made my peace. Not sure if we’ll still be friends or whether our daughters will but as I’ve said before, I don’t really care! That is so liberating to say. I don’t care. I can’t care because I am at rock bottom and I have no more room for worries other than the ones I have day to day and the ones I have for my children.

My middle daughter, Goosey, who was the brunt of this mean mother has really been having a tough time. Starting with the drama last week and this weekend has been brutal for her. She really misses daddy and there is nothing I can do about it. I hug her, I kiss her, I tell her I know how she feels because I miss him too but I don’t really know how it feels. I lost my husband, my kids lost their father. I had a crappy father and basically he was out of my life when I was 9. He has tried to get back in but seems unable to admit how he treated us. So I have basically ignored him. My husband loved him, and he loved my husband. They got along wonderfully but a part of my husband hated him for what he did to me and my siblings. So while I know what is like to grow up without a dad, I do not know what it is like to not have a choice in it.

By the time night comes around, I am exhausted. Worn out by grief, it is exhausting. Sometimes I will sleep for 5 hours while the kids are at school. I am so careful to wake up before they get home so they don’t know I am sleeping. But when I am asleep, I have no pain.

I’ve been thinking alot about moving to where I grew up. Not the exact area but close to it. I am fortunate to be comfortable and have choices regarding how I live and where. I just don’t know if people in this small town will ever forget my story long enough for me to stay here and live our new normal life. But with an 8th grader, 6th grader and 3rd grader I am not sure they would be able to make the move. They won’t want to leave the town, their friends, our home, their wonderful lives. And they do have great lives. They are lucky kids. Doesn’t that sound weird? But they are and is it fair for me to put them through another loss because I need a new beginning?

Sometimes it’s hard to realize it really isn’t about me and my needs anymore. I have 3 kids to raise alone.

So today was one of my first trying days as a newly Single mom. My 11 year old found herself excluded from something with a group not necessarily by the girls but by a mother. This mother happens to be (I thought) one of my good friends. She was arranging groups for a social activity for the middle school kids on the occasional Friday evening. Except when she made the 4 groups she put her daughter (who my daughter considers her best friend) in one group with about 5 other girls they are friendly with and put my daughter in another group with just a friend.

Under normal circumstances I would have told my daughter to just make it work as assigned. But not this time. My daughter lost her beloved father just 6 months ago. While I don’t expect her to have a lifetime of special treatment I would expect someone who I consider a good friend to watch out for my daughter. If she didn’t want my daughter with hers then she at least should have split the girls up. But instead she didn’t think about my daughter and her feelings at all.

What I would have liked is for her to be honest with me and tell me that she wants the girls separated. I wouldn’t mind, but I do mind that separating means leaving mine out completely from the group. Split the group evenly and I have no problem. Well of course my daughter is devastated and the outcome is that another coordinator switched her daughter in with mine. But the issue remains that this friend did this to me.

I know I am overly sensitive right now but my God I also suddenly became a widow. I guess I just thought a good friend would have kept an eye out knowing how hard things have been for us the past 6 months. I thought a good friend would try not to hurt my daughter’s already sensitive feelings. What a mistake that is. Goes back to what I said the other day, everyone else goes back to their lives and forget what we are going through. I know that happens with regular folks but I wouldn’t have expected it from a friend. Or I guess a so-called friend.

I noticed with this same friend that since I lost my husband she hasn’t invited me to couple get togethers. Minor ones, not big fancy things where I would be uncomfortable. A group of couples that we socialized with regularly and she just leaves me out now. Is it time for me to take the hint? I guess so. That makes me really sad and makes me realize that sometimes you see the true colors of certain individuals and it hurts alot. She hurt me alot, I thought she was a true friend.

I am fascinated by how women treat women and girls treat girls. Clearly this mom is treating me in a way that a mean girl might treat another one. Do you think I am over-reacting? I can’t be, this is one of my 2 closest, closest friends. But most of the mean girls my daughter will encounter as she enters the middle school years learn from their mothers. I have always believed that. Having a son is so much simpler. They have a disagreement with their friend and it’s all over with. Girls hold grudges, girls exclude. And so do moms.

So now what to do? I don’t want to call her, I don’t want to try to make amends. I don’t think I did anything wrong but apparently she is pissed at me. Not surprisingly I don’t care. Since my husband died I care little about insignificant things. It is really quite interesting how it changed my outlook on things. I’ve had one of the worse things happen to me. Mean moms, BRING IT ON. I’ve got no problem letting you know what I think of you. What have I got to lose? I already lost one of the most precious things to me.

What has amazed me since my husband died is how stupid people have been towards me. Some have come up to me when I am with my YOUNG children and asked questions, wanted details. Others look at me as though I am the most pathetic soul in the world and then there are the ones who tell me, “don’t worry, you are young, you will meet someone else.” Excuse me???? No one can replace my husband OR be my kids’ daddy, NO ONE.  But then I realized that would make THEM feel better. If I re-married then I would be ok, and they would feel better.

Since this happened to me I have wondered how I would behave if it happened to someone else. Would I be as wonderful as my friends have? Would I stare at the poor widow when I saw her at the supermarket or school? I know going through it is the only way to understand. Still I wish people would treat me as they would if it never happened. So, if you didn’t talk to me then, don’t suddenly become my best friend now. I’m not interested in being your friend.

 My husband was in a public position. He was in the local media so my story was everywhere, is all over the internet. I hate that. His friends wrote things, beautiful things and sent them to me and my kids. I know I will have that to treasure. Still to me and my children, he was ours. All ours.

I remember when he first died. We had Shiva here and about 1,000 people went through my house in the 3 days. I don’t remember all but I do remember staring at some and thinking why are you here? I was exhausted and emotionally in shock and worn out. Yet, I had to thank them for coming and speak to them. If they never spoke to me before, why must I speak to them? Some didn’t come who should have. Never sent a note, never made a call. I don’t understand that. My guess is that they couldn’t handle it. But I have no room for anyone’s else’s grief. Only my children’s and mine.

Grief is exhausting. I sleep alot after the kids go off to school. I can’t eat and my meds make me nauseous. People don’t want to know that though. They only want to stare and pity the poor widow and then go home to their happy homes thankful they aren’t me.

They say your life can change in an instant; I never quite fully understood that until it happened to me. My phone rang, I still wish I didn’t answer it. Heart attack they said, the police had no information. In retrospect they probably knew that he was already gone but he wasn’t going to tell me. A trip to the hospital er and my life will never be the same.

6 months later I look back and am finally facing that day. Wishing there was a way to change it, or to have kept it from happening. Powerless, hopeless, heartbroken, scared.

Selfishly I wallow in my grief for the man I loved, the man who made me laugh, gave me confidence and brought hope and joy in my life. My children they have lost a father who worshipped them and taught them and loved them more than any human being could be loved. How fair is that? Why did it happen to them? To me? The pain is unbearable, people tell me that time will heal. I doubt it.

Just a little hope, that’s all I need.