The New Normal, My New Normal

I have 3 children, teen boy is 13 1/2, Goosie is 11 and Abadoo is 8. Since my husband died my son has withdrawn from us. I don’t know if it’s because he is 13 or if it’s because he lost his dad. Maybe it’s a bit of both. We’ve been in therapy and I try to talk to him but he always tells me he is “ok mom.”

Well last night was like old times and I loved every moment of it. Teen boy stayed in the family room with me and the girls and we laughed and joked like old times. Even though it lasted for only a little bit it was priceless to me! I think he even gave me a hug and kiss before he went to bed.

Sunday I was driving in the car with him and I posed the question from above to him. I told him I noticed that he didn’t speak to me as much as he used to. I asked him if I had done something, or if it was because he lost daddy or because he’s 13. He laughed and said “I just don’t have anything to say!” And what could I say then? I told him that I loved him and he could tell me anything, anything and it would never change the way I feel about him.

I know this journey is one step at a time. I guess a part of me wants to be on the other side of it. I miss my husband so much but I need to make sure, I need to know that my kids are ok. I know I will be ok, that I can do this because, quite honestly, I don’t have any choice. I owe it to my husband as our children were his life. And I know that he lives on in them so he is still with me.

Life is never easy but this pain seems greater than anyone should ever feel.

Amie

A Long Weekend

It was a nice long weekend for the kids and me. We went down to our beach house and just slugged around. It’s great because during the week there is so much running around and little time for the 4 of us to be together. I know my 13 year old would rather be home socializing but we need this. I know I need to build our new family unit. With a 13 year old with raging hormones it is not easy.

I missed him alot this weekend. Just wishing he could be there with us. Of course if he were still here I wouldn’t have had to buy this escape. I wouldn’t need to runaway as fast as I can from this life I had been so happy in all these years. It still hurts, how can it have happened to us and why? His birthday is coming up this month. I know I should go to the cemetery but I have only been there once and it was so painful, every bit of my body hurt. The kids don’t ask about going, they don’t ask much actually.

He was such a great person. Really. Perhaps one of the best people I had ever met. He was honest to a fault and unbelievably moral. He was always keeping me in check when I started getting bitchy. He was kind to everyone. The only time he lost his temper or was angered was when someone hurt one of his children or me. He was a member of the local media so he was recognized whenever we were out. He didn’t really like it because it sometimes bothered the kids but he was always so gracious and kind. Since he was involved in sports there were all those sports fans with questions, endless questions. Most of the questions required a crystal ball which of course he didn’t have. But he still smiled at them and tried to answer their question as best he could.

He had a great deal of money but you would never know it. He was so unpretentious, never felt better or more important than anyone else. He was a smart man and that was where he was a bit of a snob. He hated stupid people and wouldn’t give them the time of day. Our biggest splurge was our home and he wouldn’t have anyone from work here. He didn’t want them to know what he had. He was brilliant at investing and that was his passion. He worked hard at it and really was successful. But he was a worrier and wanted to make sure the children and I were taken care of. He never cared what anyone did, whether they were a CEO or our cleaning people. He treated them all the same and probably felt closer to our cleaning people. That is who he was. A good, good man. Raised by a great mom but unfortunate to have the worst of the worse when it comes to a father. Still he was such a wonderful father and loved, worshipped and protected his children. He never lied to them and never sugar coated things. His wisdom and his morality were hopefully with them long enough to instill the same in them.

And I loved him, so, so much. And I miss him even more. And it still is so unfair.

Amie