The New Normal, My New Normal

So I think I have mentioned about my crush. We met in an unusual way, he did some professional work for me. When he delivered the product we talked and talked and talked. He has had quite a bit of loss in his life and he opened up to me about it. Now we have been emailing quite a bit. I think I made a move today. He has been very busy with his work, so I left him a message offering to help him out with simple errands he may have to do. Anyway, I am hoping to hear from him. I have no kids on Friday evening and I invited him over for a drink. We’ll see, he’ll probably say no. I don’t get it, I haven’t dated in 20 years, I don’t even know what to do. But I asked. I don’t know why I’m so in like with him. My therapist says it is perfectly normal but if this is a good guy, do I want it to be a rebound? Is it a rebound? I miss my husband, yes, but I hadn’t thought of dating at all, hadn’t thought about meeting someone. I just met him and there was a spark. I can’t explain it, but there was. So do I delay the dating because it’s only been 8 months? I don’t want to lose a good friend who might turn into something more later. I guess I should be thankful that I have this dilemma.

I don’t know if he likes me. That is sort of a problem. I recently told him about someone I went on a couple of dates with a month or so ago. I did it just to see if I could and it really didn’t go anywhere. Well I hadn’t told “crush” yet about the dates because I didn’t want him to think poorly of me. Anyway, when he emailed me back about it, he referred the “date” as the “other guy.” And that got my hopes up. Geez, how pathetic am I? I’m reading between the lines yes, but now I put it out there. I invited him over and beyond that I don’t want to make a pest or fool of myself. So if he says no then I am going to tell him I am finished asking and if it’s ever going to happen it is up to him to do the asking.

Geez. I am pathetic…..

Amie

I can’t believe it is October and he has been gone 7 months. I still hear his voice calling me and waiting for him to come through the door. The pain is less but still so severe. The part I cannot stand is when it just comes out of nowhere and I cry. I do cry, I cry all the time. I just wish this didn’t have to happen and that I could have him back. When I see other couples or families, I wonder, why us? Why couldn’t it have been them???

This past weekend my kids and I spent the weekend with my family at my new place at the beach. It was so relaxing and fun. My escape from this world I have to endure each day. I slept there like I cannot here. And I fall asleep instantly. At home I take prescription sleeping pills and it still takes me 2 hours to fall asleep.

I think my kids are in the midst of the anger stage of grieving. It is so hard listening to them fighting with one another. My husband always hated when they fought and now they can’t spend any time together without fighting, even physically at times.

So my crush and I email a bit. His are always short and sweet. He has no idea that I have a crush on him and he probably doesn’t like me since he doesn’t even go there. And how can I have a crush already??? My therapist tells me it’s normal but it is so scary. I don’t really want him to touch me, well maybe, but I do want to kiss him and I could really use a hug. There is something very sexy about him, it’s the eyes, I’m a fool for sexy eyes. I just wish I could fast forward 10 years and see where my life is. And that we are all ok.

 AM

Well, I have a crush on someone. What the heck is that about??? I can’t wait to see my therapist on Monday so I can ask her how is that possible???? And it is a crush….it started a couple of nights ago. The photog from Teen Boy’s bar mitzvah came over to drop off the photos. We talked for an hour or so and he left and now I have a crush. When I first met him (after my husband died) I felt a spark but that was it. Then when I saw him a few more times I talked to him quite a bit but he is very personable and easy to talk to. But after Thurs, oh no. He lost someone he loved too although he didn’t tell me much about it. I don’t know if he has a girlfriend and I didn’t ask but what the heck does this mean???????

I am worried about myself because I seem to be losing my mind right now. A crush?????

 Amie