The New Normal, My New Normal

I have 3 children, teen boy is 13 1/2, Goosie is 11 and Abadoo is 8. Since my husband died my son has withdrawn from us. I don’t know if it’s because he is 13 or if it’s because he lost his dad. Maybe it’s a bit of both. We’ve been in therapy and I try to talk to him but he always tells me he is “ok mom.”

Well last night was like old times and I loved every moment of it. Teen boy stayed in the family room with me and the girls and we laughed and joked like old times. Even though it lasted for only a little bit it was priceless to me! I think he even gave me a hug and kiss before he went to bed.

Sunday I was driving in the car with him and I posed the question from above to him. I told him I noticed that he didn’t speak to me as much as he used to. I asked him if I had done something, or if it was because he lost daddy or because he’s 13. He laughed and said “I just don’t have anything to say!” And what could I say then? I told him that I loved him and he could tell me anything, anything and it would never change the way I feel about him.

I know this journey is one step at a time. I guess a part of me wants to be on the other side of it. I miss my husband so much but I need to make sure, I need to know that my kids are ok. I know I will be ok, that I can do this because, quite honestly, I don’t have any choice. I owe it to my husband as our children were his life. And I know that he lives on in them so he is still with me.

Life is never easy but this pain seems greater than anyone should ever feel.

Amie

I had a good weekend, I had fun. I think I am surprised by that. I think part of it was I was a bit selfish and thought about myself.

Friday I went out with 2 friends and we laughed, drank wine and had dinner. Saturday I had some of my in-laws visiting and we had a nice dinner and evening. Sunday I went to a friend’s house for dinner and to watch football.

I wonder what this means? I wonder why I wonder what it means. I don’t know, does that make sense? Why do I have to wonder if I am moving on a bit? Do I feel guilty? I know my husband would have wanted me to move on and keep living, all the while making sure the children are well taken care of which they are. I also still have my crush. I don’t think he likes me (his loss) but he knows now that I have this crush on him. Fortunately he is going away on business for a few weeks so it gives me time to figure myself out a bit more. Still I think my having a crush means I also have hope. I know my husband isn’t going to walk in that door. I have accepted that. And while I miss him incredibly it does not mean I have to give up hope. Being widowed at 42 is far too young and hope, hope is ok right now.

AM