The New Normal, My New Normal

So tonight was the first of 3 Back to School Nights I have to go to. It was torture. I rode with friends and quickly made my way up to Goosie’s class. My son Teen Boy had the same teachers 2 years ago. Just being in the same classroom and remembering how fond my husband was of these teachers, I started crying. It was so embarrassing to be sitting there crying but I couldn’t stop. I turned my head and since I was in the front row I don’t think anyone noticed but dammit these things that used to be so routine, they are now insufferable. I kept thinking how much he would have loved to have been there, how much he loved being at and participating in everything the kids do. Damn it. It is so not fair.

One thing about the problem I had with this “so-called” friend is that it brought front and center a great pain for me. I no longer have a partner in my parenting. I had to go through watching my daughter suffer and trying to help her all alone. And that sucks so, so bad. I am alone, I don’t have his wisdom, his sense of humor, his strength to get through these types of things. And that is so painful and so unfair. Why did this happen to me? Why don’t I have my partner, my love with me anymore??? And how am I ever going to raise these 3 children alone???

Next week another Back to School night and then 1 more in October. The normal every day activities, I am all alone and that really sucks.

So I saw that mean mom Saturday and made my peace. Not sure if we’ll still be friends or whether our daughters will but as I’ve said before, I don’t really care! That is so liberating to say. I don’t care. I can’t care because I am at rock bottom and I have no more room for worries other than the ones I have day to day and the ones I have for my children.

My middle daughter, Goosey, who was the brunt of this mean mother has really been having a tough time. Starting with the drama last week and this weekend has been brutal for her. She really misses daddy and there is nothing I can do about it. I hug her, I kiss her, I tell her I know how she feels because I miss him too but I don’t really know how it feels. I lost my husband, my kids lost their father. I had a crappy father and basically he was out of my life when I was 9. He has tried to get back in but seems unable to admit how he treated us. So I have basically ignored him. My husband loved him, and he loved my husband. They got along wonderfully but a part of my husband hated him for what he did to me and my siblings. So while I know what is like to grow up without a dad, I do not know what it is like to not have a choice in it.

By the time night comes around, I am exhausted. Worn out by grief, it is exhausting. Sometimes I will sleep for 5 hours while the kids are at school. I am so careful to wake up before they get home so they don’t know I am sleeping. But when I am asleep, I have no pain.

I’ve been thinking alot about moving to where I grew up. Not the exact area but close to it. I am fortunate to be comfortable and have choices regarding how I live and where. I just don’t know if people in this small town will ever forget my story long enough for me to stay here and live our new normal life. But with an 8th grader, 6th grader and 3rd grader I am not sure they would be able to make the move. They won’t want to leave the town, their friends, our home, their wonderful lives. And they do have great lives. They are lucky kids. Doesn’t that sound weird? But they are and is it fair for me to put them through another loss because I need a new beginning?

Sometimes it’s hard to realize it really isn’t about me and my needs anymore. I have 3 kids to raise alone.