The New Normal, My New Normal

I have 3 children, teen boy is 13 1/2, Goosie is 11 and Abadoo is 8. Since my husband died my son has withdrawn from us. I don’t know if it’s because he is 13 or if it’s because he lost his dad. Maybe it’s a bit of both. We’ve been in therapy and I try to talk to him but he always tells me he is “ok mom.”

Well last night was like old times and I loved every moment of it. Teen boy stayed in the family room with me and the girls and we laughed and joked like old times. Even though it lasted for only a little bit it was priceless to me! I think he even gave me a hug and kiss before he went to bed.

Sunday I was driving in the car with him and I posed the question from above to him. I told him I noticed that he didn’t speak to me as much as he used to. I asked him if I had done something, or if it was because he lost daddy or because he’s 13. He laughed and said “I just don’t have anything to say!” And what could I say then? I told him that I loved him and he could tell me anything, anything and it would never change the way I feel about him.

I know this journey is one step at a time. I guess a part of me wants to be on the other side of it. I miss my husband so much but I need to make sure, I need to know that my kids are ok. I know I will be ok, that I can do this because, quite honestly, I don’t have any choice. I owe it to my husband as our children were his life. And I know that he lives on in them so he is still with me.

Life is never easy but this pain seems greater than anyone should ever feel.

Amie

A Long Weekend

It was a nice long weekend for the kids and me. We went down to our beach house and just slugged around. It’s great because during the week there is so much running around and little time for the 4 of us to be together. I know my 13 year old would rather be home socializing but we need this. I know I need to build our new family unit. With a 13 year old with raging hormones it is not easy.

I missed him alot this weekend. Just wishing he could be there with us. Of course if he were still here I wouldn’t have had to buy this escape. I wouldn’t need to runaway as fast as I can from this life I had been so happy in all these years. It still hurts, how can it have happened to us and why? His birthday is coming up this month. I know I should go to the cemetery but I have only been there once and it was so painful, every bit of my body hurt. The kids don’t ask about going, they don’t ask much actually.

He was such a great person. Really. Perhaps one of the best people I had ever met. He was honest to a fault and unbelievably moral. He was always keeping me in check when I started getting bitchy. He was kind to everyone. The only time he lost his temper or was angered was when someone hurt one of his children or me. He was a member of the local media so he was recognized whenever we were out. He didn’t really like it because it sometimes bothered the kids but he was always so gracious and kind. Since he was involved in sports there were all those sports fans with questions, endless questions. Most of the questions required a crystal ball which of course he didn’t have. But he still smiled at them and tried to answer their question as best he could.

He had a great deal of money but you would never know it. He was so unpretentious, never felt better or more important than anyone else. He was a smart man and that was where he was a bit of a snob. He hated stupid people and wouldn’t give them the time of day. Our biggest splurge was our home and he wouldn’t have anyone from work here. He didn’t want them to know what he had. He was brilliant at investing and that was his passion. He worked hard at it and really was successful. But he was a worrier and wanted to make sure the children and I were taken care of. He never cared what anyone did, whether they were a CEO or our cleaning people. He treated them all the same and probably felt closer to our cleaning people. That is who he was. A good, good man. Raised by a great mom but unfortunate to have the worst of the worse when it comes to a father. Still he was such a wonderful father and loved, worshipped and protected his children. He never lied to them and never sugar coated things. His wisdom and his morality were hopefully with them long enough to instill the same in them.

And I loved him, so, so much. And I miss him even more. And it still is so unfair.

Amie

When I first met my husband he told me his parents were wacky and his father a jerk. Over the time I knew his parents I realized he was right. Except his father is actually an a-hole. We have had more drama than I can count with them. His mother (who I loved dearly) died 2 years ago. She was a nervous person and could be a real bitch at times. She was brutally honest and afraid to leave her home. She was a wonderful mother who raised a terrific son. All the goodness in my husband (and he was all goodness) came from her. Fortunately for my husband his father spent alot of time at work.

My father in law made alot of money in his business. He was always happy to remind us of this. He made both his children (hubby has a sister, she is a whole other nutcase) partners in the business and over time he paid them their share. It was alot of money and my husband invested it well. He left me very well off with his estate and my children as well. Unfortunately he died before his cruel, vicious, sick father did.

Since the day my husband died my father in law (aka Dick) has tormented me about my husband’s estate and selling our home. Dick has always hated that we built the home we live in and that my husband used his money to invest in the stock market and do very well. Dick has to be better at everything than anyone else is and how could his son (who he treated like shit and never showed any love) be so great at investing. Basically my husband spent his entire life trying to gain approval from his father. Unfortunately he never got it. It breaks my heart how cruel Dick was to my husband.

Well Dick has a new punching bag and you are looking at her. I do not want to sell my home and I won’t. Dick from the day I lost my beloved has tried to regain control of our money. In his mind, it was his and now is his chance to get control of it. Unfortunately for him, he is going up against me. And I will damned if I will sell any of my husband’s investments because Dick is a pathetic old man who likes to bully people. And he has bullied me, weekly, since I lost my husband. Here I am in a deep depression, heart broken at the sudden loss of my husband, his son, and all he can think about is money and getting it where he wants.

Since my husband died I have told Dick that I do not expect a penny from him for me but I do expect him to give my 3 children what would have been my husband’s fair share. I think he is planning on that but I am about to tell him to shove his money up his big, fat ass. Today he called me screaming at me that I have to transfer all of my kids’ inheritance to his Brokerage and a bond fund that he has his money in. He basically is blackmailing me to either do it or, and these are his exact words, “I will pay for it dearly, financially.” In other words he will cut my kids out of his will.

During our conversation I stuck up for myself (which he hates) and started crying (which he loves, he loves to make me cry). I told him to do what he thinks is best but I’m not willing to move the investments. Probate won’t be complete until March because of complications with the will.

I called my lawyer and he is telling me I could tell Dick to stick it up his big fat ass and never, ever, contact me or my children again. I can raise my children without his money because my husband provided and left us well off. Or I can transfer the money he wants (he says he will put the same amount in and that I would have complete control of it but he changes his mind every day and is so senile he can’t remember half the time what he said).

God how I want to tell him to go to hell. I’ve told him before that I was raised Catholic and I believe in hell. He is Jewish so he has different beliefs. I told him that he was going to hell and that I hope he suffers there for eternity. I also told him that he should be buried with all his goddamn money.

I think aside from leaving his children and me at such a young age my dear husband’s greatest horror, nightmare, is that he left me to deal with his father. That now I must endure the mental abuse of this pitiful old man. And for that I cry, because I know my beloved husband is sobbing now too.

I can’t believe it is October and he has been gone 7 months. I still hear his voice calling me and waiting for him to come through the door. The pain is less but still so severe. The part I cannot stand is when it just comes out of nowhere and I cry. I do cry, I cry all the time. I just wish this didn’t have to happen and that I could have him back. When I see other couples or families, I wonder, why us? Why couldn’t it have been them???

This past weekend my kids and I spent the weekend with my family at my new place at the beach. It was so relaxing and fun. My escape from this world I have to endure each day. I slept there like I cannot here. And I fall asleep instantly. At home I take prescription sleeping pills and it still takes me 2 hours to fall asleep.

I think my kids are in the midst of the anger stage of grieving. It is so hard listening to them fighting with one another. My husband always hated when they fought and now they can’t spend any time together without fighting, even physically at times.

So my crush and I email a bit. His are always short and sweet. He has no idea that I have a crush on him and he probably doesn’t like me since he doesn’t even go there. And how can I have a crush already??? My therapist tells me it’s normal but it is so scary. I don’t really want him to touch me, well maybe, but I do want to kiss him and I could really use a hug. There is something very sexy about him, it’s the eyes, I’m a fool for sexy eyes. I just wish I could fast forward 10 years and see where my life is. And that we are all ok.

 AM

Well, I have a crush on someone. What the heck is that about??? I can’t wait to see my therapist on Monday so I can ask her how is that possible???? And it is a crush….it started a couple of nights ago. The photog from Teen Boy’s bar mitzvah came over to drop off the photos. We talked for an hour or so and he left and now I have a crush. When I first met him (after my husband died) I felt a spark but that was it. Then when I saw him a few more times I talked to him quite a bit but he is very personable and easy to talk to. But after Thurs, oh no. He lost someone he loved too although he didn’t tell me much about it. I don’t know if he has a girlfriend and I didn’t ask but what the heck does this mean???????

I am worried about myself because I seem to be losing my mind right now. A crush?????

 Amie

So tonight was the first of 3 Back to School Nights I have to go to. It was torture. I rode with friends and quickly made my way up to Goosie’s class. My son Teen Boy had the same teachers 2 years ago. Just being in the same classroom and remembering how fond my husband was of these teachers, I started crying. It was so embarrassing to be sitting there crying but I couldn’t stop. I turned my head and since I was in the front row I don’t think anyone noticed but dammit these things that used to be so routine, they are now insufferable. I kept thinking how much he would have loved to have been there, how much he loved being at and participating in everything the kids do. Damn it. It is so not fair.

One thing about the problem I had with this “so-called” friend is that it brought front and center a great pain for me. I no longer have a partner in my parenting. I had to go through watching my daughter suffer and trying to help her all alone. And that sucks so, so bad. I am alone, I don’t have his wisdom, his sense of humor, his strength to get through these types of things. And that is so painful and so unfair. Why did this happen to me? Why don’t I have my partner, my love with me anymore??? And how am I ever going to raise these 3 children alone???

Next week another Back to School night and then 1 more in October. The normal every day activities, I am all alone and that really sucks.

So today was one of my first trying days as a newly Single mom. My 11 year old found herself excluded from something with a group not necessarily by the girls but by a mother. This mother happens to be (I thought) one of my good friends. She was arranging groups for a social activity for the middle school kids on the occasional Friday evening. Except when she made the 4 groups she put her daughter (who my daughter considers her best friend) in one group with about 5 other girls they are friendly with and put my daughter in another group with just a friend.

Under normal circumstances I would have told my daughter to just make it work as assigned. But not this time. My daughter lost her beloved father just 6 months ago. While I don’t expect her to have a lifetime of special treatment I would expect someone who I consider a good friend to watch out for my daughter. If she didn’t want my daughter with hers then she at least should have split the girls up. But instead she didn’t think about my daughter and her feelings at all.

What I would have liked is for her to be honest with me and tell me that she wants the girls separated. I wouldn’t mind, but I do mind that separating means leaving mine out completely from the group. Split the group evenly and I have no problem. Well of course my daughter is devastated and the outcome is that another coordinator switched her daughter in with mine. But the issue remains that this friend did this to me.

I know I am overly sensitive right now but my God I also suddenly became a widow. I guess I just thought a good friend would have kept an eye out knowing how hard things have been for us the past 6 months. I thought a good friend would try not to hurt my daughter’s already sensitive feelings. What a mistake that is. Goes back to what I said the other day, everyone else goes back to their lives and forget what we are going through. I know that happens with regular folks but I wouldn’t have expected it from a friend. Or I guess a so-called friend.

I noticed with this same friend that since I lost my husband she hasn’t invited me to couple get togethers. Minor ones, not big fancy things where I would be uncomfortable. A group of couples that we socialized with regularly and she just leaves me out now. Is it time for me to take the hint? I guess so. That makes me really sad and makes me realize that sometimes you see the true colors of certain individuals and it hurts alot. She hurt me alot, I thought she was a true friend.

I am fascinated by how women treat women and girls treat girls. Clearly this mom is treating me in a way that a mean girl might treat another one. Do you think I am over-reacting? I can’t be, this is one of my 2 closest, closest friends. But most of the mean girls my daughter will encounter as she enters the middle school years learn from their mothers. I have always believed that. Having a son is so much simpler. They have a disagreement with their friend and it’s all over with. Girls hold grudges, girls exclude. And so do moms.

So now what to do? I don’t want to call her, I don’t want to try to make amends. I don’t think I did anything wrong but apparently she is pissed at me. Not surprisingly I don’t care. Since my husband died I care little about insignificant things. It is really quite interesting how it changed my outlook on things. I’ve had one of the worse things happen to me. Mean moms, BRING IT ON. I’ve got no problem letting you know what I think of you. What have I got to lose? I already lost one of the most precious things to me.

What has amazed me since my husband died is how stupid people have been towards me. Some have come up to me when I am with my YOUNG children and asked questions, wanted details. Others look at me as though I am the most pathetic soul in the world and then there are the ones who tell me, “don’t worry, you are young, you will meet someone else.” Excuse me???? No one can replace my husband OR be my kids’ daddy, NO ONE.  But then I realized that would make THEM feel better. If I re-married then I would be ok, and they would feel better.

Since this happened to me I have wondered how I would behave if it happened to someone else. Would I be as wonderful as my friends have? Would I stare at the poor widow when I saw her at the supermarket or school? I know going through it is the only way to understand. Still I wish people would treat me as they would if it never happened. So, if you didn’t talk to me then, don’t suddenly become my best friend now. I’m not interested in being your friend.

 My husband was in a public position. He was in the local media so my story was everywhere, is all over the internet. I hate that. His friends wrote things, beautiful things and sent them to me and my kids. I know I will have that to treasure. Still to me and my children, he was ours. All ours.

I remember when he first died. We had Shiva here and about 1,000 people went through my house in the 3 days. I don’t remember all but I do remember staring at some and thinking why are you here? I was exhausted and emotionally in shock and worn out. Yet, I had to thank them for coming and speak to them. If they never spoke to me before, why must I speak to them? Some didn’t come who should have. Never sent a note, never made a call. I don’t understand that. My guess is that they couldn’t handle it. But I have no room for anyone’s else’s grief. Only my children’s and mine.

Grief is exhausting. I sleep alot after the kids go off to school. I can’t eat and my meds make me nauseous. People don’t want to know that though. They only want to stare and pity the poor widow and then go home to their happy homes thankful they aren’t me.

They say your life can change in an instant; I never quite fully understood that until it happened to me. My phone rang, I still wish I didn’t answer it. Heart attack they said, the police had no information. In retrospect they probably knew that he was already gone but he wasn’t going to tell me. A trip to the hospital er and my life will never be the same.

6 months later I look back and am finally facing that day. Wishing there was a way to change it, or to have kept it from happening. Powerless, hopeless, heartbroken, scared.

Selfishly I wallow in my grief for the man I loved, the man who made me laugh, gave me confidence and brought hope and joy in my life. My children they have lost a father who worshipped them and taught them and loved them more than any human being could be loved. How fair is that? Why did it happen to them? To me? The pain is unbearable, people tell me that time will heal. I doubt it.

Just a little hope, that’s all I need.